where am i from again
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize