Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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