My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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