Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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