I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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