when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
My vagina is officially offended.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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