Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
