Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
