I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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