im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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