does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Randomize
