It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
