My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
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