I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
