last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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