Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
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