I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
how drunk are you?
Several
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
