My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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