I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
