I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
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I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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