When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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