Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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