in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I could fuck to npr.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
