we have officially lost it.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
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The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
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Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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