in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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