No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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