he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
