Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
