Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
