The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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