she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
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I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
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He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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