She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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