My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
