if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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