I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
