I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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