Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
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he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
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We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day