i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
