fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
