Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
