WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
