happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
