My room smells like vodka and shame
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
