just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
