My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
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I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
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The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
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