I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
