Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
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I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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