I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You are a genius and a whore.
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