she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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