I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
