i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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