Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
