Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
