i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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