I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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