come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Randomize
