we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
