Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
you inspire me to be a worse person
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
