Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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